Krystle's Outlet

Dear Mummy, 

It has been a little over a month since your passing.

I feel as if I still haven't had a chance to properly mourn you though. Over here, I'd be occupied with Joshua and whatnot. When I came back, I felt like I had to be the strong one so I never let myself get a good cry apart from that time at the hotel during quarantine. There were so many times where the tears threatened to escape, and it almost felt like a gargantuan task just to keep them from falling; otherwise I think I wouldn't have been able to stop for a good while.

I'd never, not in a million years, think that this was how you'd leave us.

And so soon.

Dear Mummy,

At those few days during your wake, and to everyone else who sent their condolences to me, I'd always comfort anyone crying by saying that I was just glad that you're free and no longer suffering.

Of course, that's true... in part.

Honestly?

I'm angry at the fact that you're gone. Not at you, of course. I'm angry that it had to end like this. I'm angry that you had to suffer as much as you did. I'm angry that you even had cancer in the first place, just as you recovered from your operation and were starting to enjoy life again. I'm envious of everyone older than you that are still living. Nothing against them of course, but I just can't help feeling jealous. Why are they able to live to such an age while you couldn't?! Why is it that God, if he even exists, take away all the people that are so loved by so many, so soon, instead of just taking away all the evil and bad people on earth instead??

Dear Mummy,

I don't mean to sound bitter. I just miss you so damn much. I have caught myself so many times since your departure reaching for my phone to text you the minute I have any gossip/funny things to tell you, before realising... OH.

I hate that you never got to meet Joshua in person, when he was just mere kilometers away from you. You were so sure that you'd 'see him when we came back in June'.

Lika told me today that she dreamt about you; that you were free and happy- really happy, and I'm glad. Could you please affirm that to me somehow?

Dear Mummy,

I think I'm still in a bit of denial that you're gone. We've always been very loving, and I've always lived for your touch and hugs. Remember how I always said that you had a magic touch that would make me feel better whenever I'm sick? Joshua is a good alternative currently, but I don't think I can come to terms with never having your 'magic touch' to make me feel better again.

Yes, I know that I'm a damn 34 year old woman this year but I'll be damned if I still don't need my mummy. I told you that come what may, I'll always need my mummy. And I still do... even if you're no longer here. What should I do now?

Dear Mummy,

As you know, I'm extremely lucky to have such great in-laws. I have a motherly figure to turn to if I need to. As much as I'm immensely grateful for that, I mean no disrespect at all when I say that she's not you. 

In my journey as a mother so far, I've turned to you for guidance and your opinion on how to handle things. I trust your answers because hey, you raised great kids. Yes, there are other sources I could go to if I need advice. But nothing is like advice coming from your own mother, whom you respect and love. Who can I turn to now?

Dear Mummy,

There were so many things that you had yet to do. You were supposed to come here to Scotland and experience the weather. I was supposed to bring you to the milk aisle of the supermarkets so you can ogle and choose which milk you wanted. You were supposed to have a great bond with Joshua - your father's namesake, and spoil him like you said you would. You've always wanted to see us get married, and you have. You've always wanted grandkids, and now you have; but you've never seen him in person or had the chance to hold and hug him. I know beggars can't be choosers, but it's not the same just seeing him in videos/video calls.

Dear mummy,

I miss you.

Joshua is walking now.

He understands some of what he's being told, and knows how to reciprocate. (Eg that time I was sick and he knew exactly what to do to 'take care of me' and 'make me feel better', which, until today I'd tell everyone who would listen how surprised I was that he knew exactly what to do! 🥰)

He returns hugs and kisses. Though sometimes, reluctantly. 😆

He's slowly getting better at playing by himself so I can at least brush my teeth in the mornings now (I KNOW, RIGHT??), and I can wash the dishes while he occupies himself in the living room for a while.

It's a bit easier now to be alone with him.

I still love him the same way; with all my heart and soul, and all that I am. That has not and never will change.

.....

But I feel I've lost my identity.

15 months of 'Krystle' taking the back burner while every single thing/decision I make is based on being a 'mum'.

You know how much I love reading.

And yet I've not touched a book in 15 months. Simply because again, that's taken the back burner. My free time is used how any 'new' mother would: resting.

I may have my in-laws - all of whom are AMAZING, by the way - but I am alone here. My family & friends are back in Malaysia. We keep in regular contact, but that doesn't beat physical contact does it?

I'm at home alone with Joshua, at least 5 days a week, for at least 9 hours each day.

It's gotten to the point where I'm starting to feel rather spiteful (for lack of better word) that hubs can do whatever he wants, most of the time without having to worry about bubs as he knows I'll be there. Duh, what else am I gonna do since I can't drive here?

Meanwhile, me on the other hand, every decision I make has to be at bub's discretion. I can't just make decisions without asking hubs either as he might have something already planned (not like going out; more like household DIYs). 

It's like I'm still me, yet I'm not. I've become somewhat reduced to having to almost ask for permission for every activity I want to do.

Hubs has offered to send me to town so I'll get a few hours to myself and do things. And I appreciate and relish in that. BUT... to do things, I need money. I can't just walk around town just looking at stuff. 

But I'm not working, so I'll run out of money. 

Which brings me to my next point:

Working. We both can't afford to work as childcare is expensive. Even if we did both work and left Joshua at a child-minder, I would feel like a horrible mother for leaving him to someone else and not spending time/bond with bubs. 

Mom's guilt eh. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

But 15 months of not being 'me', a minimum amount of socializing (though I'm an ambivert, I tend to lean a bit more towards an introvert), and 2 years of not seeing my family, it's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

This past week, I've been feeling down. I've been crying, then feeling better, then back to crying again.

Say, one day I may feel down and depressed. But then after a night's rest, I may feel better, and feel that the previous day's worries were petty and that maybe my hormones played a part (I am on my period after all 🤷🏻‍♀️). But then later that day, some small (and maybe even insignificant) event might happen, and I'll be back to feeling depressed again.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Mentally, I mean.

That's part of the reason why I'm writing this now; because in my time of need, I remembered how theurapeutic blogging was for me. I never blogged much anymore either, not because I've lost interest, but because again, I had other things to prioritize.

But tonight, I needed it. I'd just spent about half an hour in the toilet earlier, crying. I needed to get it off my chest, and blogging is the best way I know how.

Maybe I should start blogging regularly again, even if it's just a short post.

It's good to be back, old friend.

A few hours, to be exact, before going back offline on the server. 

1. My status change. Last year, I officially became a wife. Yes, I got married.  I hope I will be a decent wife, if not good. But I got married to the love of my life, which I am forever grateful for. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
2. My mum's operation. We finally had an answer to her condition, and action has been taken. She had been steadily recovering, and slowly getting stronger. I couldn't be more thankful. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
3. Got to meet my best friend after quite a while (Dec 26 2018). I think the last time I'd met her was after coming back from Scotland, which was... November 2017, I think?  Damn. I didn't realise it was that long! I'm glad that we have that understanding where we may not meet as often as we'd like, but nothing changes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
4. My dad and sister. Although my sister drives me up the walls (don't all siblings though? ), yes, I do love her. My dad too. I appreciate all he does so much, especially when it came to taking care of my mum. He really deserves a treat for all that he's done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
5. My grandfather. Yes, he passed away a little over a year ago, but he's been giving me signs throughout that he's been watching over me. ♡( ◡‿◡ ) Thank you, thank you, thank you!
6. So it goes without saying that I'm also thankful for Mr Gino. (No, I have not forgotten you; of course not!) I don't think there's anything else I can say that I haven't already said to you so countless times; as always, I always wished I had said it to you when you're still alive. For all the things you've done for me and taught me, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I think that covers it for this time. I'll be looking forward to Thanksgiving this year to see what new things I have to be thankful for.