Krystle's Outlet: Being Thankful

My Opinions/Experiences with Pregnancy & Childbirth.

Krystle January 30, 2021 0 Comments

I know, I know. So cliche. But I think this is more to remind me of what happened more than anything, as I still can't get my head around the fact that I'm officially a new mum to an actual baby.

While I've always known that I want kids, it has always been childbirth that is the most daunting, and let's face it - the imagery of women screaming in pain and the possible complications that could lead to death isn't exactly advocate material for having kids. 👀

The main reason I want to pen this down is so I won't forget the more minor details of the whole experience; though, 10 months in, I think I may have already forgotten some. I would have done this sooner (and on my laptop, which is waaay better), but for one, I was almost half finished when I realised you have to manually save the post... 😩 And having a baby really does take up every minute of your day!

So here goes, in bullet form so as to (hopefully) not bore anyone:

--> I was told not to expect my water to break like the movies; where it comes in a gush. Most of the time it's just trickles, they said. Well NOPE, mine came in a GUSH. I had been having braxton hicks for about 2 weeks I think, and just as I laid down in bed to sleep, I felt a cramp and then... WHOOSH. 🌊

It literally felt like that cramp snapped something causing the gush. I jumped out of bed; which woke my husband, and although it happened so fast, I immediately knew that my water had broke.

--> That happened around... 11.45pm. I remember going to the bathroom to clean up (the water kept gushing! It's like having water period), and my hands were shaking from nervousness as I knew this was it. I was going into labour. The part that scared me the most 😫. I called the maternity triage, and anxiously anticipated the contractions.

--> It started off no different than the Braxton Hicks. I wasn't sure if it was contractions or not, so I timed them. I read that you needed to head to the hospital once it was 4mins apart and lasted about... a minute? But then of course, the 'cramp' got stronger and more painful 🥴. To describe it, it felt like someone stabbed my abdomen with a knife and was constantly twisting it. Yup, that bad.

--> I stayed home till I felt like I should head to the hospital. The midwife suggested that anyway. She also suggested to take some paracetamol (which I gladly did and surprise surprise... didn't help! 😪) and have a warm bath. Uhh esscume, my contractions were hurting too much for me to even move, no less haul my ass to the shower 🤦🏻‍♀️.

--> It took me an hour just to get from the bed to the car, I swear to God. The slightest movement triggered another contraction 😒. When we got to the hospital, I couldn't walk the distance, so hubs had to get me a wheelchair. By then it was a little over 8am.

--> When I was finally in the room, a midwife checked to see how dilated I was. And I was 8cm! She said I was doing amazing (as I haven't had any pain relief up till then). Honestly, as I had no prior experience, by 'dilating', I expected my vagina to be gradually stretched open until it would be eventually like a 'UNLEASH THE KRAKEN' kinda gaping hole 😅😅. But I didn't feel that kind of stretch at all; or maybe I just hadn't noticed 🤭

--> The midwife said I should reconsider having an epidural (a decision I've made my mind up on ever since I knew I was pregnant 🤣), since I seem to be 'doing so well'. But I insisted. Anything to stop the pain!

--> In the meantime, I was given gas+air, aka laughing gas. Sure as hell didn't make me laugh though. 😒😅 It made the pain just a teeny bit better, but more than anything, it just made me drowsy, floaty and sleepy. To the point where when I was injected with the epidural needle, it just felt like a regular injection to me; I was too sleepy to notice much.

--> After the epidural was administered and I gradually stopped the gas, I came out of that cloud of haze. I was literally myself again as I felt no pain. SWEET MOTHER OF RELIEF!

--> I could actually munch on the biscuits and drinks that we brought, and it felt like I was actually just hanging out waiting for baby to pop. I was chatting to the midwife and trainee midwife and pushed when I was told to, as I couldn't feel my contractions save for a teeny, almost not-there rumble-like feeling occasionally.

--> One other nurse began making regular appearance, as baby didn't seem to be coming out, and it's been a few hours. A decision was made that if baby wasn't born by 3pm, I needed help from a doctor to deliver him. Thinking back to it now, it feels worrying, but maybe because I had been foggy on gas before and was currently on epidural, I didn't feel worried at all then. Hubs admitted he was though. I just felt chill the entire time.

--> I ended up needing a ventouse. The doctor came in and explained everything that was going to happen, and back then everything was a-okay for me because I literally felt great about not being able to feel any pain. My legs were held up in stirrups, and I remember thinking that that was how I had envisioned labours to be, judging by all the childbirths in all the movies I've seen. I saw the doctor and nurse/midwife getting everything ready, and couldn't help thinking this is it. It's finally happening.

--> I felt nothing so far when the doctor fiddled about below, which I wasn't complaining about. But then I felt this immense stretch that, if I hadn't tried not to focus on, would have actually felt a bit painful. Then the time came and I was told by the doctor that on his cue, I was to push as hard as I could.

--> I did, and right then, I definitely could feel myself stretch like I've never felt before. Don't get me wrong; it wasn't painful per se, but in that moment, I was afraid that my vajayjay would literally tear open. (Again, THANK YOU EPIDURAL!)

--> I felt something akin to a jellyfish slide out, and then came that momentous cry. Joshua was wrapped in a towel and put on my chest immediately, umbilical cord still in tact. And it felt somewhat... weird. I wasn't a bag of emotions or overcome with any sort of joy. I think I was too much in shock (still) that I've had a baby. I didn't feel that immense love and protectiveness that is so stereotypical and associated with the birth of a child; but I didn't feel negatively either, which was good.

Basically, it was only a day or two later that I actually started feeling that 'immense motherly love' for Joshua. I was absolutely besotted with him.

I was absolutely clueless about how to take care of this helpless living thing, but I'll be damned if I don't try.

For a first time parent though, I have to admit that he hasn't been the easiest of babies. Even now at almost 11 months.

I admit I had (mild) depression in the past and was prepared to experience some form of post-partum depression, but hand to chest, when I say that I've never contemplated suicide so many times in my life and came close to actually doing it... THAT, I wasn't prepared for.

I LOVE my boy and would lay my life for him in a heartbeat; make no mistake. But the challenge and struggle is real. The only thing keeping me sane is an amazing, supportive husband.

So I will keep pushing on.

For me.

For my husband.

For my boy.

The Little Things (2018)

Krystle January 08, 2019 0 Comments

Back in my old blog, there was a practice I did.
Every year, around Thanksgiving, I would dedicate a post on my blog to reflect on what has happened so far that year, and to being grateful for everything.

Now, I know I've said that I'm starting afresh here, but I thought long and hard if I should do that (or something similar) here.
I figured that it is a great way to practice being thankful, which is, of course, a good and healthy habit to have.

So I'm doing it here as well.

I'm sure you've noticed that it isn't anywhere near Thanksgiving, and you're right. Initially, I thought I would be able to do it on my old blog, as it came back online after about a month and a half.
For a while.
A few hours, to be exact, before going back offline on the server.

Oh well.

So this will be my replacement for 2018 (I will do another one for this year).

Without further adieu, I am thankful for:

My status change. Last year, I officially became a wife. Yes, I got married. I hope I will be a decent wife, if not good. But I got married to the love of my life, which I am forever grateful for. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My mum's operation. We finally had an answer to her condition, and action has been taken. She had been steadily recovering, and slowly getting stronger. I couldn't be more thankful. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Got to meet my best friend after quite a while (Dec 26 2018). I think the last time I'd met her was after coming back from Scotland, which was... November 2017, I think? Damn. I didn't realise it was that long! I'm glad that we have that understanding where we may not meet as often as we'd like, but nothing changes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My dad and sister. Although my sister drives me up the walls (don't all siblings though? ), yes, I do love her. My dad too. I appreciate all he does so much, especially when it came to taking care of my mum. He really deserves a treat for all that he's done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My grandfather. Yes, he passed away a little over a year ago, but he's been giving me signs throughout that he's been watching over me. ♡( ◡‿◡ ) Thank you, thank you, thank you!
So it goes without saying that I'm also thankful for Mr Gino. (No, I have not forgotten you; of course not!) I don't think there's anything else I can say that I haven't already said to you so countless times; as always, I always wished I had said it to you when you're still alive. For all the things you've done for me and taught me, thank you, thank you, thank you!